Today. A day I looked forward to since the moment I found out I was pregnant and discovered what my due date was. February 2, 2018. A day that I should be 40 weeks pregnant. Or, at least got close to. The day our precious, beautiful, perfect son, Lennox would be born. Rather, he came 17 weeks early. On October 7, my 41st birthday, our son was born at 23 weeks and 1 day gestation, via emergency c-section at 10:10 am. They had him out within 20 minutes from the time they ran into my room and jumped on top of me. He weighed 1 pound, 1 ounce. He tried to breathe when he came out but his micro-preemie lungs were too under-developed to breathe on their own so he was intubated. But, he was alive! We just knew he made it for a reason and that he was coming home with us and would be a perfectly healthy boy. Then, he developed Group B Strep and Klebsiella Pneumonia, on top of his immature lungs.
We never once believed he wouldn't make it until we heard the words, "His kidneys have shut down and he's too little for dialysis. He's going to be in pain soon. It's time to take him off the machines. I'm sorry." Lennox fought for 3 weeks in the NICU, never knowing the world outside his incubator. He would've kept fighting too had his body not given out from the lack of oxygen he was receiving. We know he would've faced a life of struggles because he was so low on oxygen for so long...probable brain damage, maybe cerebral palsy, possible deafness and blindness, among other things. He would've had a hard life. And although we wanted him here more than anything, the last thing we'd want is for him to suffer. The only thing keeping him alive were the machines and IVs. And his fighting spirit. At 6:13 pm, on October 28th, our baby's heart beat was no longer. He became our angel. And with him, all our hopes, dreams, future plans of our life with him went with.
Today became the day I've been dreading. The day that he SHOULD HAVE been born. The reminder that not only am I not pregnant and about to deliver him, he's no longer even alive. It's been a struggle every second of every day since he left us 17 weeks ago. It's been the hardest thing we've ever had to deal with. We've changed and we'll never be the same. A part of our hearts went with our boy. The closer this day got, the harder it got. I've been anxious to get here and get passed it. Every day I think about how I should still be pregnant, how I should be huge and anticipating the excitement of delivering our boy, rather I'm met with a reminder of how he's no longer with us as soon as I wake up in the morning, with a scar that serves as a reminder every time I get dressed or go to the bathroom that he's no longer inside of me, every time I lean on something and feel the numbness I'm left with from my incision I'm reminded he's gone. Every night I kiss his picture goodnight so he knows how much I love him and that he is still very much a part of our lives and will never be forgotten. Our baby died on my chest, in my arms, exactly where he should have and I'm beyond grateful I was able to hold him as he passed. I held him inside of me when I gave him life and I held him as his life ended. The only comfort I have is hoping he's watching over us, hoping he knows how absolutely loved he was, and is, and knowing he's no longer suffering. We were blessed with his presence and he was the greatest gift! He was inspiring, tough, brave and selfless. He gave Patrick and I a gift that no one else ever could have and that was strength in each other. We are stronger together because of Lennox. He gave us everything we needed but couldn't achieve by ourselves. And that, I believe, was his purpose in his short life. He was put in our arms for this reason. I've never missed anyone so much! I felt his life, his vigor and energy inside of me and knew him better than anyone. He was amazing! He was so strong and so strong-willed. He made his presence known. He was loved by many and is missed by many. I'm so proud to say that I am his mother and his father and I made the most incredible human being. I can only hope he is proud of us and will continue to be. We strive every day to make our son proud. My son Aidan and our son Lennox are our motivation. Life must go on, unfortunately, without Lennox physically here. But I know he's with us. We love you baby boy! More than you'll ever humanly know. tiffany blue prom dresses # teamlennox forever ❤